10 Poo Poo

I’m in New York City. I’m filming a movie. I’m living the dream. I miss my Bride and Boy.

I call home at 10 every morning and night. It’s seven their time. The Boy is actually eager to get on the phone with me. That’s a first for him. He grabs the phone from BB and proudly exclaims, “I go poo poo Daddy!”

I have been having conversations on set with the smartest and most talented people I have ever met. Natalie Portman told me how she loves Conan O’Brien and how funny he is. Vincent Cassel has described the corruption in Italian politics. Mila Kunis has sung the praises of Skyping. The Director Darren Aronofsky recommended a Museum that explores cosmology throughout the ages. The make up artist (so not to be completely name dropping) has related her amazing stories of Greece in the ‘70s.

I would rather discuss poo poo with Boy. “Daddy can’t go poo poo when he is away from home.” I confided. This was way too much information even for him. There was an awkward pause and then suddenly he continued, “I go big poo poo Daddy! Two poo poos!” Yes, he actually counts his output. I would have it no other way. Besides he’s learning to count.

Last night at 10, after being away for 10 days, he finally said, “Please come home Daddy.” My heart sank and soared all at once. “No more Movie.” He added for good measure. I tried to steer the conversation back to bowel movements but as usual he is too smart for me.

It’s all very good news. I was supposed to work six days on a big feature film. Now that I am here they seem to like me and keep giving me more days and more lines. It may not be the BIG break I’ve been waiting for but it is a sizeable break. A fracture.

Still, when I close my eyes in between takes all I see is my family. The boy is going poo poo on the potty and the BB and I are doing the “poo poo on the potty” song and dance and stealing smooches.

Up in the Air : remix

Guess who has replaced George Clooney in his latest flick?

Go on, you'll never guess.

Check out the trailer below.

PEE YEW TO THE NICU

The World keeps going no matter what happens. That’s the biggest problem I have with reality.

Why couldn’t things have slowed down during the Holidays? I tried to squeeze everyone extra hard and extra long thinking I could thereby press the breaks and rip a hole through time. Worse even I think someone pressed the fast forward button down. The knock knock jokes at the dinner table, the bad singing of twelve days, the hide and seek, pigs in a blanket and the gifts are all a blur. The sister, brother-in-law, nephew, niece, nephew, niece, dad, mom, wife and son are all together with the ghosts of other Christmas past. Why didn’t we have the power to slow it all down?

Pee yew

I recently got a part in a movie. As soon as the news sunk in, so did the stink emanating from the garbage in the kitchen. I don’t think it’s right that I had to take out the garbage at that particular moment. I tried to ignore it but its stink was screaming at my olfactory glands. Can’t I declare it a garbage free day? Can’t I celebrate me and sing my song that I make up as I go along and everyone dances to it because they get me and think I’m the bees knees.

RIP

When I eulogized my Grandmother all those years ago I had a huge pile of dirty laundry at home waiting to kick me while I was down. The only clean black bit of clothing to mourn in was my tank top. I just couldn’t mourn my dear beloved Grandmother in a wife beater. I should have been able to declare it an “all laundry is clean day”. The sky should have rained down Downey or Tide or even the cheap Target Brand. Birds should have flown down some dryer sheets and hung around to fold. It was Grandma after all. It was the very least that could have happened!

Ten minutes after my first love broke my heart a buddy told me I had bad breadth and suggested I take a mint. Couldn’t some grand scheme have been in place to spare me the embarrassment on the day of the heartbreak? I suddenly understood the reason she winced when I exhaled “Why?” Plus, I still had classes that day. Why doesn’t High School set aside days for heartbreak? I’m not asking for a lot here.

Intensive Care

When Boy was first born he spent nine days in intensive care. He had Respiratory Distress (trouble breathing). On day three of this ordeal I had a callback for a “Fruit of The Loom” commercial. Beautiful Bride and I decided of course I should go to the callback. I need to make a living after all. It also happened to be five minutes away from the hospital. As I was about to leave the NICU the Doctors and Nurses rushed around the Boy in an emergency formation. There was blood and a controlled sense of panic in the room. After five minutes of torture they explained to me that they had to put a tube down his throat to help him breath. He was stabilized but I was a mess. There was nothing I could do though and BB once again encouraged me to go to my callback. Why was the World still turning? Why couldn’t I step outside of this moment or split myself in two?

At the callback they paired me up with a 6-year-old boy. They asked me to pretend to teach him as my son how to throw a baseball for the first time. Then they asked me to teach him how to fish. I realized at some point that I still had my hospital bracelet on. I almost started to cry my heart out right there in the room, but somehow I got through it. I would still be angry today if didn’t get that job. I did get it though. The Boy got stronger and healthier. That day was his lowest point. I shot the commercial on the day he was brought home from the hospital. It now seems like a speck on the radar.

Here’s a link to that very commercial on youtube. If you are interested in seeing it, I am the guy with the little boy on the screen in the background.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjGruchlKGw