Ryan pee'd on Daddy. It happened at an Audition. A Callback. A BIG job. It wasn't Ryans fault. It was Daddy's fault. I forgot to bring the portable potty. I was warned. "Ryan pee pee Daddy" he said in a waiting room full of actors. Actors who were intensely working on their lines. I wished I could work on my lines, but my lines were not my number one priority at that moment. I scooped Ryan up in my arms and raced down the hall to the restroom. We raced so fast that I forgot to grab the restroom key. We raced back down the hall to grab the key.
By this time the actors, in the room full of them, had acquired a look of "This Daddy actor guy is one less thing for us to worry about!" They were silently affirming their choice to put off the whole "family thing" until their careers had taken off. At that moment I agreed with them.
I grabbed the restroom key, but the restroom key was attached to an oversized bucket. Now I had to carry Ryan and an oversized bucket back down the hall to the restroom. Listen, I get the practicality of attaching a big soupspoon or an empty coffee can to the restroom key. People tend to leave keys, to the restroom, in the restroom. I get it! However, the oversized bucket was overkill. When I am racing a two and a half year old and an oversized bucket with a key attached down the hall, it makes me angry. It makes me want to do my business in the bucket.
My bucket anger was displaced. I was slipping into a panic with visions of Ryan peeing on the Director. I tried to get the key in the lock while Ryan and the bucket negotiated for space. The door swung open and there was a split second feeling of victory over the fates. The thrill was short lived. I knew it was all-futile. Ryan was not going to go in the restroom. We already had the experience when the automatic toilet flushed as his heiny rested on it. The toilet made a giant sucking sound from hell and Ryan grabbed Daddy for dear life before it sucked him to oblivion. Big toilets were no longer an option. I quickly tried to entice Ryan to pee standing up like Daddy. "No Daddy!” "Please Ryan!" "No Daddy!" "PLEASE Ryan!" "NO Daddy!” I then told him it was OK to pee pee in his pants. "No Daddy." "Please Ryan." No Daddy!" PLEASE Ryan!" "NO Daddy!" I pushed too hard. My stress started to get to him. He cried.
It was like a slap in the face. I was immediately present with him. No longer worried about my stupid audition and myself. I hugged him. He pee'd on me.
I tried to wipe the pee pee off my shirt. We went back into the hallway and as the restroom door shut, I realized I had left the key in there. When I got back to the waiting room it was my turn to audition. One of the other actors had been explaining that I had taken my kid to the restroom. The Casting Director immediately focused in on the huge wet circle on my shirt. Ryan sat like an angel while I relied entirely on the cue cards due to not having a chance to review the lines outside. When I walked back out to the room, now half full of actors, one of them said "Who's not gonna hire the guy whose kid pee'd on him." A worried look came over all the other actors in the room. I stood a little taller.
I got the job!